baby mine

Until today it wasn't real. The sickness, headaches, and general business of work and school was distracting from what was happening inside. I knew you were there but you weren't yet mine

Today you became mine.

Looking at Ken's face during the appointment I realized everything changed.

He was beaming as the ultrasound tech joyfully announced;

"There is something in there!"

Between giggles and a few sweet tears we became parents today and you became ours.

he is soo good

My husband is kind, patient and has shown me how to be a more meek, ambitious and peaceful person. In return I have taught him how to dance, play, walk fast and take lots of study breaks. I think it is obvious that we need each other :)

Nanny Mom

As a nanny/sitter/friend to little people I am often called by name or title but every once in a while one of those little humans will slip and call me the one word I long to hear. Mom. In these cases it is often when they are not thinking. Maybe they are trying to convince me that they need another cookie or are upset with a form of discipline I offered. But sometimes, when the stars align they say it maybe because in that moment they feel my love for them.  And I do love them. I know I am not their mom but lately more than ever I have wanted to be someones mom. I don't know if I am infertile, I don't think so? but I am waiting. It's funny how after years of thinking I would have kids right before I biologically wouldn't be able to, my desires changed. It seemed overnight that I went from thinking children were fun to hear about but not really deal with to wanting my own child more than a high paying career, admiration from the world or the freedom to live for myself.  I didn't seek a job as a nanny to fill some kind of void. It was actually the only job I could find that allowed me to be outside, wear what I wanted and not have to sit in a cubicle- all while making enough to pay rent and offer a flexible schedule for me to still play and eventually go back to school.  I originally thought being with kids would push my baby calendar back but it has had no such consequence. Granted I watch adorable children, but they are still children. They cry, scream and throw fits all in public and at home. But they also give wonderful compliments, hugs and kisses and are a bunch of fun to play with.  But at the end of the day, they are not mine. Someone else, who rightfully deserves the title, is called mom. They are hers and she is theirs. Now I just want mine.